Up and Onward

I am standing on top of a mountain, looking down at everything I have climbed above this last year. A couple of times my rope almost snapped. 

Then there was that little tree I thought I could use as a hand hold, which did not work out. 

As I sit on the summit, out of breath and exhausted, I think about all of the different times along the way in which it would have been easy to stop climbing. There were times when I was tired, times when I was distracted and bored; even times when I just wasn’t interested in climbing anymore. But here I sit at the top, fiddling with the lid of this Swiss designed water bottle that only MacGyver could know how to open. 

One thing I have learned about climbing mountains this year is this: When you reach the top of one mountain, take a little time to rest at the summit, because when you turn around you will just find another mountain to climb. There is no repelling down from these mountains; only climbing.

I have been able to do two things this year that I have wanted to do my entire life. These were major checklist items. At the top of this mountain I have learned that living your dreams does not make you happy. 

I know this sounds a bit pessimistic, but, as I said, I am sitting at the top of this mountain right now, and this is true for me at the moment.

Let me explain. 

What I mean to say is this: Living your dreams will never make you happy unless you first learn to love yourself for who you are, not for what you are doing. If you ever attach your self-worth to the things you accomplish, you are in for a bumpy ride. 

Here’s the thing; when you base your happiness upon the things that you do, you will always need more things to do after you have done that which you set out to do.

Perhaps a less wordy translation might help: When you are what you do, you are also what you don’t do. 

And being human, you will screw up. You will suck every now and then. Not always, heaven forbid; but you’ll have your bad days. And if your entire self worth is dependent upon your doing well, being perfect, excelling, etc., then you are placing yourself in quite a conundrum. 

(Here is a thought: The nature of tasks is that they will be completed. This is a good thing if you are trying to accomplish something. This is a bad thing if your self-worth is tied to events, because you will always need a new event assure you that you are worth something. I think I am beginning to see that I’ve been drawing water from the wrong well to fill this little swiss bottle...)

Please don’t think I’m saying it’s bad to follow your dreams. Follow them until your lungs give out. But don’t do it without learning to like yourself along the way. Because at the end of the day there is no spotlight, no crowd to sing with you. There’s just you and your pillow, and it will be wet or dry depending on how happy you are with yourself.

So I am not going to stop climbing this mountain; not going to quit chasing after the life I have dreamed about since I was a little boy. I will chase my dreams, but on the way I’ll learn how to deal with myself; how to wear this skin and be comfortable.

And now that I have figured out how to open this God-forsaken water bottle, I am going to take a drink- a deep, deep drink- and then I am going to turn around and see what kind of mountain I am facing this week.